forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
