i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
