This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
