1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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