Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
