A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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