Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
