the only muscles i have these days is kegels
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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