Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
