im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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