my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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