WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
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im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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