i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
