My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
