i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
