I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
