Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
