I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you had me at cake vodka
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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