YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
