If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
