4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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