If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
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The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
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oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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