I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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