I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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