im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
