Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
