Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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