I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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