At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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