Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
