i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i was born a porn star she said
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
