the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
