Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
