we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
