my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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