So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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