I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
