I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
