I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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