If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he fucked my hip out of place.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
