you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
