he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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