I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
