so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
