So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
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God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just had sex on a roof
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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