im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
