My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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