you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
