Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
