i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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