Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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