Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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