Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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