I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
