i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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