Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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