I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
