I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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