A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
