If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
