3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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